Alive!
by laffers18
Summary: Brennan doing what she can to feel...what will Booth do to help her? Can he help her? OS, angsty and darker than the norm...you have been warned!


**A/N OK, first off this went in a direction i did not expect. At all...from now on i should really know the end before i start, maybe that way i can avoid this sort of thing! LOL**

**And this would never happen in the show...but i had fun writing it!**

"What the hell was that, Bones?"

Seeley Booth followed his fuming partner into her apartment, slamming the door shut behind him.

"I don't understand your problem, Booth." Brennan said quietly as she tried desperately to contain her own anger. She felt like she was angry all the time recently, and it didn't take much to set her off. "You are completely overreacting."

"Overre..." Booth began on a roar, before he stopped. He took a deep breath and began again. "Overreacting? My partner jumps in front of a crazy man with a gun for no good reason, and _I_ am overreacting?"

"No reason? He was about to shoot at you, Booth! I did what any good partner would do." She said stubbornly, facing him defiantly.

"Bullshit" Booth snapped out, taking two strides until he was stood just in front of her. "A good partner would have done what I told her to do. A _good_ partner would listen to her more experienced, somewhat intelligent, partner that knows what he's talking about, so when he says stay put, she would damn well stay!" Booth yelled the last few words at her, the fear and helplessness that he felt as he watched her manifesting itself into unbridled anger.

"I did what I thought was the right thing to do, Booth." Brennan stated with an air of finality. "Now it's been a long day and I am tired. So if you don't mind..." she waved a hand in the direction of the door, waiting for him to leave her alone.

"No Bones, that's exactly the point." Booth said, ignoring her request for him to leave. "You didn't do what you thought was right. You know how I know this?" he asked rhetorically "because you didn't think! And what's worse is you've been reacting like this for weeks now, and I let you get away with it. But this stops now, Bones. You understand me? It stops now!"

Brennan had turned from him, but his final words made her swing back round to face him.

"You don't get to tell me what to do, Booth. You don't have that right...no one does." Her voice vibrated with anger, her hands clenching into fists by her sides.

"I do when we're out in the field Bones. I need to be able to rely on you. I need to trust you." He spat the words across the distance between them.

Brennan's eyes widened in shock at his heated words.

"You don't...trust me?" she asked softly, hurt clear to be heard in her voice.

Booth winced at the tone in her voice but knew that he couldn't back down. This was more important than her feelings...this was their lives.

"I want to trust you, Bones; but you're making it difficult. You're reckless; you've taken to leaping without thinking. That's not you, Bones. That's not my partner. I _can't_ have that person as my partner." He ground out, hating the pain that he saw in her eyes, but the knowledge that this conversation was weeks overdue was spurring him on. "Talk to me, Bones...why are you being like this? It's not you."

"It's not me?" Brennan asked in disbelief. "Not me? Well sorry to disappoint you, Booth; but this is me. This has been me for the past month, and it will continue to be me. Don't you understand, Booth? I _need_ this to be me!" she ended lowly, the words bursting from her lips without her permission. She'd been trying so hard to keep her emotions in check, but the damn had burst and there was no stopping her. Or him.

"Need?" his voice rose in volume at the question, "Need? You need to risk your life on a daily basis? You need to scare the crap out of me and your friends when you go blundering in, giving no thought to the consequences?"

"I need to feel alive!" she screamed at him.

Booth froze, his next words dying on his lips as he stared in shock at her. He took a cautious step towards her, his eyes tracking her agitated movements as he neared.

"Bones" he breathed softly across the remaining distance "Alive?" he questioned softly, stopping just in front of her.

"I apologise, Booth. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. I'm just overtired and I forgot who I was speaking too. Now, if you can please leave so I can rest. Then tomorrow we can proceed as normal." She finished calmly, her mask firmly back in place as she looked at Booth through dead eyes.

"Not going to happen, Bones," Booth stated firmly, his eyes watching her carefully.

"It wasn't a request Booth." She said coldly, anger sparking from her eyes at his refusal to do as she asked.

"You can't say something like that and expect me to walk away."

"Why not, Booth? Isn't walking away what you do best?" she added scornfully, her rage getting the best of her.

"Excuse me?" Booth asked in disbelief, his voice rising slightly as he tried to process her words.

"Walking away. You appeared to do so easily a month ago so why not now?" she asked with a tinge of sarcasm, looking at him as if she was daring him to deny it.

"Easily," Booth said quietly, taking the final step towards Brennan. Something in his gaze warned her that she had gone too far, and she took a small, hesitant step away from him. "You think it was _easy_ for me? Watching you weep was easy for me, was it? Hearing the words that I would have _killed_ to hear a year ago was easy for me?" If anything his voice got quieter as he spoke, one fist clenching and unclenching by his side. "_Nothing _about the past month has been easy for me, Temperance. You think that you're the only one in pain? I am involved with a beautiful woman who loves me, and all I see when I'm with her is _you_. That isn't easy. That makes me someone I said that I would never be!"

"Booth, you're not..." she tried to cut in, but he continued talking at her, his focus internal as he told her all he felt.

"No, Bones, you don't get to tell me what I am, or what I want. I've allowed you to do that before and it got me nowhere. Last year, _you_ told me how I felt, _you_ told me what I needed. You didn't stop to think that maybe, just maybe, you were wrong. And you almost destroyed me." He breathed the last line, the hand clenching by his side forming a tight fist as the pain of that night returned. He continued to look at Brennan, her own face showing her grief over that night so long ago. "But I moved on, Bones." He continued valiantly. "I found someone who loves me, and whom I love. And I was happy!" His voice broke on the last word, his composure cracking as he released emotions that he had kept under wraps for too long. "I was so god damn happy! But now...now I look at her..." he didn't say her name, knowing immediately that Brennan would know which 'her' he was referring to. "And I see you. Your tears, your pain...and the guilt is overwhelming. Then to see you risking your life, because….. you want to feel _alive_...?" he trailed off, getting some small measure of satisfaction at the fact that she could no longer meet his gaze. He stared at her in silence, watching her down turned head with hard eyes.

"Why does it matter, Booth?" she asked quietly, her head coming up to look him in the eye once more, her eyes glistening as she fought to stop the tears from falling. "If anything happens to me...I am irrelevant. What happens to me is irrelevant. It won't matter."

Booth tried to harden his heart against the plea he could see in her eyes, not wanting to be drawn into this moment with her. But he couldn't stop himself...he could hear the sincerity in her voice, and the fact that she believed the words that she was saying...he couldn't let that stand.

"You know better than that. Angela. Jack. Cam. Sweets. Max. Russ." He checked them off on his fingers. "Me. We would care," he spoke softly to her, his face serious as he tried to make her see the truth in his words.

She shook her head in rejection of what he said, unwilling to believe he spoke to truth.

"Care, maybe." She said grudgingly. "But Angela and Jack have each other. Cam has Michelle. Russ has Amy and the girls. Max has Russ. Even Sweets has Daisy." She looked him straight in the eye as she spoke, watching his reactions closely. "And you...you have Hannah. So, maybe you'll be sad for a moment or two. Maybe Ange will cry for a time...but in the end you'll recover. My death won't have a lasting impact on any of you...you'll move on." She said the last line softly, watching Booth as he, like she herself was doing, thought back to the last time those words had been used between them.

Booth shook his head in denial, taking a small step towards her as she continued to stare defiantly back at him.

"You know it's true, Booth...as do I. And I have come to terms with that fact...so, maybe I have been acting a bit more recklessly recently. But in the end, it won't matter!"

"I'll move on?" Booth asked quietly, his mind still focused on that one line "I'll move on?" his voice got louder as he asked again, coming to a stop just in front of her.

"Yes," Brennan said, even though she knew it was a question that he wanted no answer to. "You'll get a new partner. You'll be fine, Booth."

"A new...you know what?" he demanded before rushing on "If you really think that, then you don't know me at all. You think having a new partner will make me just forget you? That if I lost you, you'd be so easily replaced?" His hands had moved to grip her arms, and Brennan tried to remove herself from his hold, but it only served to make him tighten his grasp "I would _never_ recover...don't you understand that?" he shook her lightly as his emotions got the best of him, and he no longer censored his words. He'd kept the truth from her for so long, that it was only a matter of time before she pushed him too far, and it all came spilling out. "This life...my life...it's better because you are in it. If you di..." he paused briefly, his lips unable to form the words. "If you left me, my life would be nothing. You hear me? Nothing!" He pulled her closer as he spoke, and he came to realise just how close they were. He stared down into her upturned face, and the tears that had escaped at his words and he could feel himself weakening. All he needed was to tug her once more, lightly, and they would be a hair breath away. Close enough for their lips to touch...and it was this knowledge that made Booth let go of her.

He released her arms and took a step back, taking a deep breath as he glanced over her shoulder, wanting to compose himself before he met her gaze once more. An uncomfortable silence fell between them, neither knowing quite what to say as the enormity of his words settled on both their shoulders. When he felt he had himself under control he met her gaze again, reminding himself of his reason for following her in in the first place.

"Bones" he began, waiting until he had her full attention before continuing. "Your reckless behaviour...it hasn't gone unnoticed. By your superiors or mine. If it doesn't stop...our partnership will be terminated."

Her eyes widened at his words and her eye filled as she heard the seriousness in his voice. She nodded stiltedly in acknowledgment, glancing away from him as she tried to calm herself.

At the sight of her pain, Booth took an automatic step towards her, his arms itching to comfort her, only the memory of what he'd almost done earlier preventing him from taking more than that one step.

"Bones," he pleaded gently, causing her to look at him again. "Please...no more."

His desperate words reverberated in the silence. He said no more, knowing that he needed to leave before he did something that he would regret. He opened his mouth to speak before shutting it quickly, realising that he had no idea what he was going to say. He looked at her face and realised there was no more that he could say, she needed time to process this herself.

"Can you leave, please" Brennan asked softly, causing Booth to jump. He had been so caught up in himself, he had almost forgotten Brennan was there waiting for him to do or say something. "Please...I'll see you tomorrow. I just need to be alone right now."

"Of course, Bones. Should I call someone?" he said, before wincing as he realised what he said.

He saw by Brennan's own reaction that she had thought the same thing, both of them remembering the last time he had made that offer. She shook her head, giving the same answer as last time.

They stared at one another across the room, only a small distance between them but it felt like a giant chasm for them both. Neither knew how to proceed, and in the end Booth made the decision for them both. Without another word he spun on his heel, walking across to her door. He opened it quickly, only pausing to glance back at her once. She remained in the spot that he had left her, watching him leave with an empty look on her face. Booth gripped the handle on the door tightly, resisting the urge to go to her and instead taking that final step out of the door, closing it softly behind him.

He strode down the corridor quickly, not bothering to wait for the lift but taking the stairs. He started to jog down them, going at a swift pace. By the time he was at the bottom he was almost at a run, heading directly for his SUV and he wasted no time in getting in. Once the door was shut behind him he sat silently in the car, his fists clenching by his side as the image of Brennan watching him leave kept flitting through his mind. He rested his hands on the steering wheel, trying desperately to get himself under control. He lowered his head to the wheel slowly, and the gentle bump it caused made him do it again, until he was repeatedly hitting his head on the steering wheel of the car, the pain it was causing becoming a welcome distraction from the pain that he was feeling inside.

Brennan watched Booth leave, remaining still as he glanced behind him, making sure her feelings were hidden from him. She saw him pause, and while part of her wanted him to return to her, the majority of her was begging him to leave, wanting this moment on her own. She couldn't stop the sigh of relief from escaping when the door shut softly behind him. She forced her legs to move, heading to her door and locking it behind him, just in case he took it open himself to return.

Once the door was secure, she made her way to her kitchen, pouring herself a glass of wine to calm herself. She downed the drink swiftly, before glancing down at the glass in her hand. She stared at it, her gaze vacant as her mind ran through everything that had just happened. Booth's impassioned speech...his warning...and the knowledge that he was now on his way to Hannah while she was left alone once more. Her grip on the glass in her hand tightened, and before she knew it she was swinging her arm up. She watched in slow motion as she brought it crashing down onto the side, the pain she felt as the glass cut through her hand causing her to smile softly. She lifted her hand and watched in morbid fascination as the blood ran down her arm, her smile widening as the pain intensified. She spoke softly, to herself, her gaze still locked on her bleeding hand.

"Alive."

**A/N As usual, let me know what you think :)**


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